Relationships

In this modern age of double incomes and financial independence the greatest concern that faces all of us is the need to move to a stage of Interdependence as stated by Steven Covey.



Marital conflicts arise from the fact that both the individuals are equally capable of living on their own and everywhere we go, there is this increased focus on individual success, brilliance etc being recognized. This has created a 'I', 'Me', 'Myself' culture that has led to self-centered behaviour.



Also, we now live in a culture of instant gratification, we have everthing around us available to us when we need it, we can make calls half way around the world in an instant, instant noodles, fast food etc, so much so that we are even promised instant 'Nirvana"!.



We carry this with us even in our relationships and we want our relationships to be what 'we' want it to be instantly and when that does not happen, we want instant seperation!.



Most of the discord that arises in any relationship and particularly couples is that "each individual is trying to change the other"! while change we need to understand happens with the self first. The only person that you can change on this Earth is "you", which a lot of us tend to miss.



So, the key point that we need to address is that we need to give 'time' in our relationships, what with 2 different individuals being brought up in completely different backgrounds, beliefs, values and even life styles in their respective houses come together to make a new beginning.



Secondly, we need to develop the attitude of 'acceptance', we need to accept the other person for her/his beliefs, values, life styles et all. Unfortunately we 'expect' a lot from the other individual and when that expectation is not met we instantly discard the person/relationship.



Lastly, we need to develop an 'awareness of ourselves', we need to understand our background, our trigger points, our pain points and the like so that we are able to understand the other person's point of view. Infact this point needs to be at the beginning rather than in the end.

Feel free to share your thoughts.....

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Viktor Franklyn Attitude is everything.!!


It is more vital than events. It's more important than what's happened. Because attitude determines whether we are happy or unhappy, fulfilled or empty, the positive perspective assures us that we can never fail. A hopeful attitude guarantees internal success. Attitude- the altitude adjuster determines whether we fly high or low, crash or soar, glide or slide.

Anybody can have a positive attitude when things are going well. What really matters is its how you act when things are going badly that determines the strength of your character. An appropriate attitude means feeling hopeful in challenging times. Stop yourself. Count your blessings. Look for the good.
Here are some magnificent ways to improve your attitude:

Choose to be Enthusiastic

Corporate presidents voted it the most valuable personality trait. It's the biggest single factor in successful selling. Think enthusiastically. Talk enthusiastically. Become enthusiastic by acting enthusiastic. Your thoughts and actions establish your level of enthusiasm.

Be Alive to Everything You Do
Walk fast. Put a bounce in your step. A vigorous, hearty handshake indicates you are glad to be alive and happy to be with the other person. A good smile radiates enthusiasm. Put spirit into your speech by varying the tempo, raising and lowering the pitch, changing the tone and modulation. Force yourself to act with enthusiasm, and soon you will feel enthusiastic.

Broadcast Good News
No one ever made a friend or accomplished anything worthwhile by transmitting bad news. Good news, on the other hand, promotes good will and spreads enthusiasm. The message, "Hey! I've got good news" gets the attention of everyone. Take sunshine to school or work. Always aim to make the person you talk to feel better than they otherwise would.


Positive Self-Talk

What did you say to yourself today? Did you moan and groan about everyone at work? Did you complain about your parents to your best friend? What we think is 100% reflected in how we feel. If all we think about is negative thoughts, our actions will be negative. Remember "I'm a 10! I'm Healthy! Wealthy! Happy! I do what I ought to do, when I ought to do it, whether I want to or not! No Debate! I love me!"

Love Others
How can we become more loving? By bringing encouragement, optimism, and hope to all that we meet. By helping others feel comfortable in our presence; by spreading joy and goodwill; by being concerned about the wishes and desires of others; by understanding, caring, accepting, and forgiving; by becoming more concerned about helping others achieve their individual desires.

SOME MEN SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE , AND ASK “WHY”
SOME MEN SEE THINGS THAT ARE NOT, AND ASK “WHY NOT” –
GEORGE BERNARDSHAW
Today, choose your Attitude and choose your own way!

Life as a mirror …

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."-- C.G. Jung
How many times have you found people around you happy when you are not? The world is like a mirror, reflecting who you are. The best example of this are children, we are full of energy and laughter when we are around children, why? Because they are full of energy and laughter!
Unfortunately we get so caught up with what we do, we hardly laugh, research says that at age 4 children laugh at least 4000 times a day, when we reach 14 that has come down to 40 and by the time we are 40 that drops to 4! What happens is that we loose that child like innocence and thereby loose touch with our inner selves.
Have you ever noticed, at traffic signals observe how many people have a smile on their face….none! In fact if someone is smiling, we wonder, “Is something wrong with him/her”, a serious look in today’s world gives a perception of being highly intellectual!
Next time try smiling at people you will be surprised at the response you get, greet people, say a warm ‘hello’ or ‘hi’, because when you give you get, and to get you have to give first.We get clues about our unconscious programming if we watch our reactions, responses, feelings and thoughts about other people and events. Ask yourself: How do I judge or stereotype people? What pushes my buttons? What makes me angry or fearful or sad?
The outer incidents that trigger these reactions in me simply MIRROR my own nature. If I didn't have beliefs around the issues that upset me, where would my reactions come from? If I didn't have some internal reference, I wouldn't react at all. When outer events spark a reaction, we need to look inside to explore what’s going on.
"We discover in ourselves what others hide from us and we recognize in others what we hide from ourselves."
Discover yourself this weekend….at least make a beginning!!
Enjoy your weekend folks!

"Commit to Compliment"

Mr. Dale Carnegie in his world famous book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ states that to build Rapport with people, we need to ‘give honest, sincere appreciation’. Appreciating someone is nothing but complimenting the person. Think about it for a moment, when was the last time that some one genuinely complimented you? How did you feel?
Now, ask yourself, When was the last time that I complimented anyone?......
Compliments are powerful things, even from strangers who barely know you. We all feel the need to be complimented because it gives us a sense of ‘Self–Worth’, it makes us feel good inside, in today’s world we are constantly being bombarded by criticism around us in the media, television, newspapers, practically everywhere so much so that when we receive a compliment from others, we doubt the person’s intentions!
Unfortunately we all back away from giving compliments when we observe others have done something good, be it friends, colleagues, spouses or anyone. We in fact tell ourselves, “I’ll praise him when the time comes”, and that never happens!
Compliments need not be something very big, perhaps we noticed how well someone has dressed, or how much progress a colleague has made in a project, or their cheerful disposition, a well cooked lunch/dinner from the spouse, they can be appreciated with a small phrase of ‘well done’, ‘thank-you’, ‘nice job’ etc.
All this involves awareness, an awareness of what is happening around us and recognizing the opportune moment and complimenting. Allow me to demonstrate. I’m going to give you some compliments right now, to kick off your weekend. You might be surprised how good it makes you feel.
First, if you are reading this, I already know something about you: You have an open mind, and that’s a rare and wonderful quality. Most people only enjoy seeing their preconceived ideas fed back to them. That doesn’t happen here. Open-mindedness is one of the most important qualities a person can have. You have it! I also expect you’re well-liked by the people who know you best because you’re curious to find out, and fun-loving.
Secondly, it involves commitment, promise yourself to give at least two compliments to your loved ones this weekend and feel the difference……it’s liberating!

Have a great weekend folks!

Acceptance

Accepting Oneself

This is the time of the year of anticipation, the time when we reflect on the year gone by and the anticipation of what the New Year has in store. This is the time when we look forward with hope and cheer.

While looking forward to what might come in itself is exciting not being able to accomplish what we make as resolutions can be disappointing. This is because we look at the external to make things happen whereas we need to look internal to accept what we receive. There is a great saying that we get what we deserve not what we desire, in anticipating much through our resolutions, the inability to keep pace with fulfilling the resolutions soon leads to disappointment which in turn leads to breaking the resolutions that we have made very quickly.

The present day culture is driven by the need to accomplish and accomplish at the speed of thought, this has been created by technology, while it is possible for technology to deliver quickly, it may not be the case with every individual, because each one of us has different capabilities and given the time and space, each one of us is capable of completing what we have set out to accomplish with our resolutions. Time in its present sense does not allow for such luxuries and this creates anxiety within.

When anxiety increases the speed of the mind increases and when the speed of the mind increases it leads to disturbances in our breathing patterns which percolate to the physical body and then the individual organs. Just observe your breadth, the life force energy the next time you get angry, scared or anxious and you will know.

Therefore the speed of the mind is the cause for physical imbalances and to overcome this we need to observe our thoughts, we need to understand whether they are enabling us in accomplishing what we set out for or are they disabling us and making us anxious. Developing the awareness is key, when we are aware, we are in meditation.

The initial path to this awareness is acceptance, accepting ourselves first, accepting our capabilities next and accepting our accomplishments much later. Often we are expecting, expecting more from ourselves, expecting more of our capabilities and expecting to be able to accomplish more that what is actually required. Expectations when not fulfilled leads to disappointments and a feeling of unworthiness of self. This can be dangerous as it sets the ball of comparison rolling and when we compare ourselves with the supposedly higher accomplishments of the others, self-guilt sets in which can become disabling at the speed of thought.

As we arrive at the New Year, the action resolution to take would be one of acceptance resolution rather than expectations, thereby enabling us in taking the first step to accomplishing a journey of inner knowledge and healing.

Hey folks!

By the time you read this, Bangalore has recorded the coldest night in December in the past 124 years!


The committee on Global Warming and Climate Change just ended a couple of days back with all the usual bickering and the Mara Mari :-( at Bali.

Al Gore was one of the speakers at the convention and to be honest it brought a eerie resemblence to the movie " The Day After Tomorrow" where there is a similar meet happening in Delhi and its snowing at the same time!

Have we just looked up this morning!"What wonderful weather" we might say, look a little deeper and also ask yourself "Is this the same Bangalore I knew as a kid?" In my memory (serving me well till today) Bangalore has had the most beautiful weather in the month of December (sans the clouds and all), Sunny and chilly both at the same time!

Doesn't look or feel the same now. Unfortunately we are caught up in our own, no time to even stop for a moment and think " This is unusual".

I just thought that we really need to stop for a moment and think!

Today, we are "thinking on how to stop us from thinking" that is the hard truth that we face.

Folks this is the time to spread the word around that the planet that we live in is asking us to think on what we are doing with her and we simply refuse to dwell on it even for a moment!

If you feel like I do right now (not compulsory), take a moment to forward this to all Earthlings, so that we give a second chance (or is it toooooo late) to the one and only planet that we have.

Remember "She can live without us, but we can't" :-(

Like the weather :-(

In thought

BK.

Thought – E-motion…



Research shows that on an average we get 50,000 thoughts in a day. While this may seem surprising, what needs attention is that, a majority of these thoughts are the same thoughts we have had the previous day or the day before that and so on, so much so that certain thoughts have become like a song we know very well, it keeps playing in the background without our knowledge. Similarly thoughts play in the background without our knowledge. The need is to become aware of our thoughts and understand how these thoughts are responsible in how we feel. Thoughts are essential to feeling and feelings to thoughts.

In most cases thoughts and feelings are exquisitely coordinated, but when passions or pressures surge, the balance tips and the third aspect of emotions capture the upper-hand.
Emotions are Energy in motion. Motion is nothing but action. Any action in the mind which produces a result internally or externally can also be understood as emotion. Our past thoughts which have created memories drive current action, which drives the way we feel, which gives our emotions the energy to action. Actions maybe based on feelings of compassion, altruistic love, forgiveness and acceptance, which are enabling emotions on one hand or feelings of Jealousy, Anger, Pride, desire, Insecurity, Greed and guilt which are disabling emotions, on the other.

Channeling emotions in the enabling path, is the path to inner healing. Our emotions at present might be following a disabling path, this is because we blame the external environment for whatever is happening to us instead of turning internal and understanding the thought which is driving that emotion.

The pattern of blaming the external has a long history to it going back to our childhood, where anything that we did contrary to norms and expectations set, was a mistake and we were made to feel guilty about it. In the pretext of covering up the mistake we look for excuses all the time and this creates a pattern which we fail to recognize after a period of time. Therefore the path to transformation is to monitor our thoughts and feelings which are responsible for our emotions.

This path requires looking at things with a child like innocence; it requires not forming opinions about the anything. We have opinions on everything. We judge others based on caste, colour, region and profession, we pronounce individuals guilty till they prove their innocence. We have opinions on the system, the weather, and even God!

Looking at things with innocence requires reprogramming our thoughts. Thoughts of acceptance set the enabling emotions and thoughts of bias and hatred set the disabling emotions. It requires the inner resolve to break free from prejudices and live life.

When thoughts are reprogrammed, it brings in awareness which in turn drives our perception. When we follow old thoughts we follow the opposite where perception drives our awareness.